Eureka NLP Life Coaching

The word “esteem” comes from the Latin aestimo which, literally translated, means estimate, guess or reckon. Therefore, when we talk about self-esteem / aestimo, we are really talking about an estimation of ourselves and not fact.

Eureka NLP Life Coaching Self Esteem ArticleYet this personal “estimate” controls everything about us and is called upon to interpret everything we come into contact with. We create prejudices based on our self-estimate and therefore create assumptions.

Individuals with low self-esteem will often begin the day feeling negative, worthless and possibly ugly. This builds during the day, as actions and comments from others appear to validate these feelings, perpetuating the cycle of negativity, frustration and anger. Where as those with higher self-esteem will often begin the new day with a clean slate, relatively speaking.

Low self-esteem is an enigma for those who endure it. On the one hand it is something “undesirable that needs to be fixed” but on the other hand the threat of fixing it would leave a void or “if I fix it what becomes of me”?

This then becomes “The trouble with me is” a catch 22 phrase that means nothing can be done. But we all know that something needs to change and the good news is that things can change.

Self-esteem is built during our infancy through to adolescence and continually validated into adulthood. There are many key phases in the development, but for the purposes of this article we cover the critical first three.

Phase 1 Infancy

In infancy our interpretation of the world is almost totally controlled by our environment and parents. It is common for the first born to develop self-esteem issues. For no other reason than their parents were faced with a new “being” without the aid of instruction manual. This causes stress in the parents and consequently stress in the infant.

Phase 2 Cognition

Cognition, as we get a little older we begin acquiring and processing knowledge. Importantly this is based on our own reasoning and perception influenced by the responses we achieve from those around us. We instinctively react to these responses emotionally which become key anchors in our onward development. Good girl / boy is obviously good as it teaches us the preferred behaviour in order to gain reward, bad girl / boy is necessary, when appropriate, teaches us how not to behave.

The child that does not regularly get either is left feeling a little confused and will try harder to provoke reaction of any kind. However, there is a catch, over-use will have the same impact, if you are continually being told that you are this or that, for no real reason, the child will be equally as confused. This confused state is a key foundation for developing low self-esteem.

Phase 3 Independence

As the child develops further he/she will seek to be heard even before speech is an option. At this time the first steps toward “Self” begins. It is often referred to as the terrible twos!

The same rules apply as in the cognition phase. Not being heard is the same as not being recognised as an individual and therefore not significant. Recognition and value are important at this time. The child begins to recognise and understand that the world is much bigger place, which is quite scary to them, so need constant validation and support.
By the time we reach adolescence our Self estimation is built and will be tested to the full. Everything is challenged and once again the reaction gained is critical. Without recognition the young adult will have no reference point, and therefore will find it hard to know what is appropriate and what is not.

Is there any hope for people with low Self-esteem? Many individuals who recognise they have an esteem issue will say that they suffer from it. It often leads to depressions and many other disorders. However, those who not have recognised that they have low Self-esteem will pursue relief of the symptoms and may never get to know where the root lies.

If this raises a question in you, you can take a simple Eureka NLP Life Coaching quiz to establish your Self-esteem level.

For those that recognise they have low Self-esteem, the journey to improve it requires thought and small steps. There is no magical pill or miracle cure but we can focus on changing behaviour.

The Dilts model “Logical Levels” is based on the work of Gregory Bateson (anthropologist) and Bertrand Russell (philosopher). It allows us to examine ourselves and indeed others:

With low Self-esteem, “the trouble with me is”:

Using the model, these statements all come from “Identity”

Reframing the statements has a profound effect on their impact. Quickly read through the list again and notice what reaction you have to them. Now let’s reframe them:

Reframing the statements into a question means there should follow an answer.

And in the answer lies the path to better Self-esteem.